I have long been interested in the field of cryptozoology – the study of strange and mythical creatures. From South America’s Chupacabra to the Mokele-Mbembe of the Congo, cryptozoologists around the world dedicate their lives to tracking down and proving the existence of creatures that seem to exist only in legend. And thanks to dogsounds, another has now been found and proven!
dogsounds has carried out tireless research to track down such mythical monstrosities as the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, and others. And after a long and arduous search, involving many seconds of hard keyboard manipulation, our correspondent in the Deutschedogsounds field office has tracked down and captured one such creature for all the world to see.
We give you: the mythical kebabalope!
For many hundreds of years, drunken British men have wondered (if only for a brief second) what the hell it was they were eating when they ordered a big, nasty kebab at midnight on their way home. Many have watched their swarthy Greek or Turkish hosts shave the gently rotating block of meat with a sense of wonderment and a question that has been with man since early times: What the fuck is that?
It is said that all the doner meat supplied to dodgy take-away outlets in the UK is supplied by one single company, and that this company had protected their source of delicious and yet dubious meaty goodness by spreading disinformation that it was a mundane substance such as lamb, or even chicken. But hardened cryptozoologists and connossieurs of nasty, nasty food have known for a long time that this meat was of a different ilk: the sacred kebabalope.
Using information gleaned from German sources, where the kebabalope (Arterycloggius Snackalicious) was believed to be found, we tracked down the man who is responsible for raising and farming all the kebabalopes supplied to the Western world: kebabalopeherd Herr Johann Frühstücksfleisch. A secretive and loyal farmer, we managed to appeal to his sense of disclosure with 500 euros and two slightly-dressed chicks.
In our exclusive interview, he revealed that his ranch is the only place on earth where kebabalopes are farmed, and as such only he has the knowledge of how to raise these shy and retiring creatures.
I can’t reveal too much, said Herr Frühstücksfleisch, but it involves metal poles and slow rotation. The kebabalopes love rotation. It’s a bit like being one of those plate-spinning guys at the circus. It’s very hard work, and requires great dedication. That’s all I can tell you.
We caputured the rare picture above with a secret camera as one of the small creatures was slowly ambling back into its pen. We were not allowed to take pictures of the creatures in their farmed environment for fear of leaking trade secrets.
Herr Frühstücksfleisch would also not reveal where kebabalopes come from, wishing to keep his unique source a secret.
So now you know. Next time you order a doner, you can imagine a herd of these noble creatures charging as best they can across some great plain…whererever it is they live. And if someone chastises you for eating such unhealthy food, simply explain that kebabalopes, in the wild, are cute, and therefore obviously good for you.
You can actually buy your own plush kebabalope here.